Lasts

I'm starting to count lasts.  Tomorrow is trash day.  While watching Rico gather all the trash, I could not help but think it's the last time he will have to take out our trash.  Every meal I cook, I think it's the last time I will make that.  Really it is because I don't like half the shit he likes for dinner.  lol  Today is the last day I am doing all of his laundry for packing.  I know it's silly, but I can't help it.   I am in a funk.  I need to get it together.  I will get it together.  It's just going to take a minute.

One day...

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you…. The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”

When I saw this quote, it made me smile and feel all mushy. 

FC First Day of School

Today is the first day of school for the kids in our county.  My son is still in the bed.  He is too grown for all of that.  No picking out THE outfit.  No laying out the outfit and shoes as if he could just slide in it in the morning.  No first day of school pictures & how was it video.  No need for me to call to correct the schedule because they get it wrong every year.  No racking up on 1 cent paper or 20 cent crayons.  

Instead, I have a young man who calls his college to get his own schedule changed to his satisfaction (no classes Tues. & Fri.) and checks Rate My Professor to make sure he actually needs the books before purchasing.  He is quite independent.  The year of dual enrollment at GSU has really prepared him to be on his own.  They have given him credit for both of his english classes & the government class.  That is 9 credits out of the way before he starts his freshman year!  

Things are changing and I know it’s for the better.  It just does not feel like it today

Still here

I have not forgotten about my blog.  Things have just been so busy and the house has just been so full of people.  There have been dinners, card nights, sleep overs, and we helped Aysia move into her dorm room.  This afternoon is the first time in about a week that this house is occupied by only the people who live here.  I am exhaling a bit, although, I have lots of cleaning and washing to do now.

Continuing Traditions...for everyone. Ode to Lyriq

I have not quite been myself the past year.  I am one to celebrate every holiday to the fullest. Creating traditions and finding crafts to coincide with holidays was just as exciting as the approaching holiday.  Seeing the kids' faces light up was always better than any material gift.  My son was really into it all when he was younger.  As the years passed, his excitement for holidays diminished.  He does still enjoy Christmas Eve activities, especially the gingerbread house decorating contest that has grown to include extended family and friends.  But, he is pretty indifferent about Christmas Day.  His favorite holiday is Halloween.  We go all out for it.  His big dream is to acquire land & a building to do annual haunts.  I will do whatever to help make that happen.

Luckily, I have nieces and a nephew who still love it all.  My oldest niece (and the oldest grandchild), MeeMee, really got me started with all of the holiday stuff.  She is in her 20s and she visibly shows her disappointment when I don't go all out.  She absolutely loves the traditions and now that she has her own daughter, her excitement has increased.  Her younger sister, Bri, is hard to read.  Like my son, she does not show excitement about much. I think she likes it all, but she acts as if she can take or leave it.  LOL  Lyriq is much like MeeMee,  he loves it all.  And last night, he reminded me of how much I have been slipping this past year.

My heart just has not been into it like past years.  My mind has been elsewhere. The lack of finances to back my ideas really put a damper on things.  Instead of feeling excitement as holidays approached, I started feeling anxiety.  Lots of ideas still popped into my head, but my energy level and ability to follow through were minimal at best.  I have been low on finances before and that is usually when my creativity has kicked in.  My creativity abandoned me this year - when I needed it most. :-(

Lyriq's birthday was this past week.  I did make him a cake, but it was not the usual character cake that I spend days planning.  It was his own personalized devil's food cake, which he loves.  But, it did not have the effort that I usually put into it.  He did not say anything about it, but he ate very little.  On his birthday, he had a great day out with his mom and cousin who is close in age.  But, it was not the usual hoorah that my mother and I plan.  Last night, he talked about the excitement of past birthdays with such happiness in his voice.  He said he wanted a party like Rico's graduation party.  It made me feel really bad.  Several factors played a part in his birthday not being what he is used to, but I could have done better if I was not in such a funk.  We are going out to celebrate today and I plan to make him the center of attention, which he loves.  Mark my word - next year, I am going all out on his birthday.

I need to get back into the swing of things.  Not only for them, but for me.  Although Rico will probably not be here, I will carry on his Halloween tradition of the yard haunt.  People (children AND adults) look forward to see how we have expanded every year.  Lyriq would usually go trick-or-treating and come home early to pass out candy.  Last year, he skipped trick-or-treating all together and joined the crew as one of the big boys who sent girls and boys running and screaming from the yard.  We are going to do Rico proud this year. Planning needs to start in September and I will ask Lyriq to be the leader...Bri too...if she's interested.  Hopefully, she will surprise me.  She is crazy talented and creative. I would be thrilled if she would lend all of that to the future of family traditions.

Now that MeeMee has Mar, I know she will be energized and very instrumental in keeping up with the traditions.  Mar will be almost 2, so she will be able to fully enjoy all of the festivities surrounding the holidays. I need to start thinking about which ornament to get each grand & great-grand to represent their year - another tradition started 17 years ago.   Just writing this has lifted my spirits.  I may have to return to this post every now and then to remind of what I need to do.  But if I happen to forget,  I am sure Lyriq will remind me. :-)

Godzilla

It’s on again! Rico loved this movie when he was little.  We used to watch it so much that I would be surprised if the VHS still works. I still have his big, electronic Godzilla someone gave him for his 6th birthday (I think). I never pull out the VHS, but I will watch it if I am flipping through the channels and it’s on.  Rico and Lyriq humored me last week by sitting down and watching it with me.  I wonder why they are playing it so much lately.  Are they doing a remake soon?  Or, is it just to give me that warm, fuzzy feeling?  :-)

SN: I frowned when the guy jammed the knife in the ignition to start the taxi – as if he ruined the reality of this totally true story.  Sometimes, I crack me up.

Advantage #1: More sleep

To help ease the blow of my son leaving, I try to find a bunch of ways my life may improve while he is out there living his life to the fullest.  I am currently wide awake at 5 am on a Saturday morning.  I have tried to fall back to sleep, to no avail, and I blame him.  He has this new schedule since graduating.  He sleeps during the day and stays up until 4 or 5 am.  He makes music, talks to his "imaginary friends" via Xbox Live, and does things normal people do at normal hours.  Eating cereal is now reserved for after midnight only.  He has always been a night owl, but it has gotten extreme now that he does not have to wake up early for school nor does he have interruption of his former job - last week was his last week.

If I am going to be honest, I must say he gets it from his mother.  Through my teens, 20s & early 30s, I always performed better very late at night and into the wee hours of the morning.  But, things have started to change in my late 30s.  I go to sleep earlier.  On a good night, I am sleep by 10 pm, but I average 11-11:30 pm.  That's good for me. The only reason I am up at 3 & 4 am these days is because I wake up to do my old lady pee.  Yep...that's right...my bladder is starting to tell the age that my skin has worked so hard to hide.  lol   No matter what time I go to bed, I wake up very early every morning to do a bathroom run. SN: He finds it absolutely hilarious that I am starting to have "old lady" moments because I can be very immature at times.  I sometimes have the personality and sense of humor of a teenage boy.  The pranks and lengths we go to annoy each other can get quite extreme.  :-)

Anyway, I see my son's bedroom light on or hear his deep ass voice that carries no matter how low he tries to talk (seriously, this dude is not capable of whispering), and I can't help but to stop by to chit chat with him or find something I need to do.  For instance, I told him to take his sheets off his bed earlier because I was going to wash them.  I failed to finish washing before dozing off.  When I went in his room, his bed was still naked.  He has no problem sleeping on a naked mattress because it's his, but I do.  So, of course I had to at least throw a fitted sheet on for him so my conscious could be cleared.  Now I am up (wide awake) and he is sleeping, peacefully, on his crisp, freshly made bed.

I am a scheduler by nature.  I take pleasure in planning out my days, hour by hour.  I am not obsessive about sticking to it, but having an outline helps me stay on task.  My son's needs (really wants) often trump whatever schedule I have planned.  He does not ask for it or expect it, it's just something I do naturally.  He often chuckles while saying, "You are such a mother." I take it as a compliment, but I do apologize in advance to his future wife for any damage I may have done. lol   It's going to be really interesting to see how well I stick to my schedule when I am not using my son as an excuse. My future schedule has me in bed and sleep by 10 every night.  And, when I wake up for my old lady pee, I will have no distractions to keep me from stumbling back to my bed and dozing off immediately.  There will be no beds to make, no "do you know what time it is - turn that music down or put on your headphones", no bass voice & laughter, no extra light drawing me in...nothing distracting me from my patiently waiting sheep.  Although I am sure I am going to miss all of that terribly, I am going to try to see it as an advantage.

I have decided to start keeping track of the advantages to help me through those rough, I miss my baby days.  Excuse me...I know he is 6 feet tall with a slight goatee, but he will always be baby...ALWAYS!  Back to what I was saying - I will keep track so I can look back here to remind me of the advantages of having my days (and nights) to myself.  Advantage #1: More sleep!

Overboard

As I sit here and look around at this major mess I made, I can't believe it started as such a simple task.  The goal was to pull out a few sheet sets for Rico to take to college.  The outcome: piles of sheets, comforters/blankets, curtains, mattress pads, bedskirts, waterproof pads, misc material (I will sew one day - lol), and a crib set.  Yes - a crib set and the waterproof mattress pads from 17+ years ago.  Now that I look at the crib set, it's kinda girly.  I thought it was quite unisex at the time. Hmmmmm

I think I purchased it very early on in the pregnancy. I just can't seem to get rid of it. I am always thinking he may want to use it when he has a baby - like he and his wife won't be excited like I was and want to shop for their own baby. Or, even if they don't want it, I could use it in the baby room I am sure to have in my house or repurpose it in some way. Athough, 17 years later I have not done anything but kept it packed away.  I just can't seem to part with it...or the unused invitations and place settings from his baby shower.  I even have that stupid hat they made at the baby shower out of the bows, ribbons and wrapping paper. OMG - if I had the 5-10 kids I initially wanted, family members probably would have submitted a tape for me to be on the next episode of Hoarders.  I guess there was a reason I was only gifted with one, perfect (he will always be perfect in my eyes) son. ;-)


Luckily, I have quite a bit of OCD in me to balance it all out.  So, my insane stash of "memorabilia" is usually stored and labeled accordingly.  :-)  Really though, my goal is to downsize dramatically as part of my rediscovering me journey.  It's not necessary for me to keep all of the daily reports sent home telling me what Rico ate, when he went to the potty, his sleep pattern, and his mood while in child care.  Maybe I will narrow them down to 1 per week, maybe even month...eventually.  Baby steps.

Preparing

I am starting a blog…again.  But this time, I plan to stick with it.  I am in the middle of preparing for my one and only child to leave the nest.  I am happy for him, but sad for me.  He is 17 and sometimes I wish I would have held him back with his correct age group just so I could have him home with me for another year.  Selfish hunh?  But, it has crossed my mind. lol  Really though, it is his time.  He is bursting at the seams to hit the Big Apple.  I am excited about the adventures and experiences in his near future.  It’s started me thinking about mine.  It’s my time too…to do all of the things I have always thought about, dreamed about.  I plan to travel, create, learn,bake, explore, decorate, move, date…hey I am getting into a good rhyming flow.  I can even lay down 16 bars on a hot track if I want.  LOL  The world is mine!  And, I plan to bring you all along on my journey.

Happy Birthday Lyriq!